Jonathan Frid’s Second Visit to the Dick Cavett Show, August 2, 1968

dick cavett

 

This interview was supplied by Dino DiOssi.

Jonathan Frid’s Second Visit to the Dick Cavett Show

August 2, 1968

Guests included: The Association, Abby Lincoln

Dick Cavett: May we have the house lights dimmed. I should like to introduce my next guest now who is best seen in a dim light. It’s hard to think of him as a creature without sunlight. You all know my dear friend Barnabas, don’t you? We’ll see – go man? (Jonathan Frid comes down the center of the aisle out in the audience towards the stage. He is wearing a little flashlight around his neck.)

Jonathan Frid: How’s this for neckwear?

DC: Lovely.

JF: Thank you. May I make myself at home?

DC: Yes you may. I don’t think we can stop him.

Audience: Bite Dick Cavett!

JF: Outside, later.

DC: Bite my neck! Hi Barney .. eh, Jonathan. I think you’ve created a monster. This is Jonathan Frid. I know you don’t want to believe that because you want to think it’s Barnabas. Jonathan, welcome!

JF: Thank you, Dick and before I go any further, may I take out my teeth? Would you mind? There they are …

DC: Would you mind turning your back?

JF: No, I certainly would not. What’s that denture wash that they advertise on television. I think they need it.

DC: We have a little plastic cup. You can drop them in here.

JF: I’ll put them in my pocket.

DC: Welcome, sir!

JF: Thank you, Dick. It’s nice to be back.

DC: Yes, you were here one other time. Oh, I got a nasty letter about you from . .. here’s what it was. You came on in the first half hour of the show, you know, and there was some lady in a section of the country who sees – does not get the first half hour of the show and she took me up one side and down the other for bringing you on then and said, “I waited for him for weeks!”

JF: Oh, it was a nasty letter to you then.

DC: To me, not about you, yes. She’s absolutely waiting for you outside now.

JF: Hmm.

DC: What’s the latest development now in Barnabas’ life? I know you can speak for him.

JF: Well, I know at this point I’m not a vampire, strangely enough.

DC: Get him out!! (audience laughter)

JF: I have been cured but don’t worry because we’ve got two more vampires coming on the show.

DC: It’s only a temporary thing though isn’t it? I mean, the spell is not necessarily, totally . .

JF: Well, you see it all depends on the monster, Adam. As long as he lives, I will be all right. Somehow or other, don’t ask me why or how it happened, but some of my life force is in him and I think this show has more medical quackery than any other soap opera. So anyway, that’s the state I’m in right now and some people say, oh, why aren’t you back as a vampire biting and so forth and personally I’m sort of enjoying this being the nearest thing in my life to being what my family always wanted me to be and that is the kind of guy next door type of actor and I’ve never been that. So now I’m being, well the guy in the next mansion or something.

DC: Your mother didn’t raise you to bite people’s necks?

JF: No.

DC: What is the reaction of close relatives to your persona?

JF: Well, I think they’re glad I’m working and I am too. I’m very happy about that. I say I think that they would have liked me to play something a little bit more close to everyday life, shall we say, but I think as long as an actor is working I think – I’m glad to play anything, and as a matter of fact, I think I’ve said this before. I’ve enjoyed this role because it has had many manifestations. Actually, I’ve spent about 2 or 3 minutes in the year and a half I’ve been on the show – I’ve spent about 2 or 3 minutes actually “biting”. I mean you can’t – that gets a little tedious after a while.

DC: But 2 or 3 minutes of “biting” is more than normal in most people’s cases. You will admit that.

JF: You caught me there!

DC: We have a message and we’ll be back. Stay with us.

(Commercial break)

DC: Jonathan, someone handed me the Grand Rapids Times just before I came on and I didn’t get time to read this but there is a picture of you atop a black limousine, and there’s a crowd, police and there’s a headline . .TV VAMPIRE CAUSES GRAND RAPIDS AIRPORT RIOT. What . . what were you doing?

JF: Well, in this tour that I took about – this is a little while back – and I took a ten city tour in five days while was kind of rough going and . .but the thing about it was that no one really expected a turnout that we would get in all these airports and shopping centers and things like that – so that there was no kind of organized control of crowds. So we got to, well, we had been in Ft. Wayne that afternoon and there was rather an uncontrolled crowd at the supermarket and the supermarket sent a $2,000 bill for injury to shrubbery and things like that to the local station, and we were held up there so we were late getting into Grand Rapids and I would like to apologize – I hope this show goes to Grand Rapids because I would like to make an apology to the people out there. They had this thing arranged at the airport where I was to judge a contest of ghouls and . ..

DC: Pretty ghouls, huh?

JF: This is what you get into when you . ..

DC: A former Shakespearean actor and they’re playing a pretty ghoul is like a melody. Then what happened?

JF: Well, they had a crowd where our plane landed and the thing got out of hand that we all got kind of nervous, including the officer who ran the airport and more or less ordered us off the place. Well, I don’t blame them because everything . . and there was no one to blame up there, it was just that there was so much uncontrolled chaos and so we got this hearse, and, oh yes, the poor chap who was running the whole show was on top of the hearse as we were leaving and we . ..it was ordered down the road into town and there was the poor guy who was running the whole show was way down the countryside when we finally got the hearse to stop and had to walk or run back or whatever about half a mile back to the airport to try to take over control of the thing. But I remember as it turned out we never got to take control of the thing. But I remember as it turned out we never got to this contest around the front of the airport and I’m only very sorry that I was never able to make that. But while we were, while I was getting on top of this hearse myself – I must say I was rather, if you’ll pardon the expression – mortified, and so anyway we were sort of circling around in front of the thousands of teenagers and so forth and a regular commercial airliner was unloading at that point and I . .suddenly I was trying to think of their point of view – here they were with these thousands of kids andthis idiot on top of this hearse with fangs, and what was going on, you know, what’s happened to America? So I pretended to be waving at the crowd and the only reason I did that was because the tape hid me from the people getting off the plane. I didn’t want them to see who it was, so they couldn’t see. I must say it was rather .. it was a fun thing to do in a way, but it was . . I thought that was kind of stretching a point.

DC: Yes, I think an artist has to be treated with more respect. Do you have any fun on the tours, though? Can you meet people?

JF: Oh, yes. As I say, it was pretty hectic. I never got to see any of these tours. All of my life I have wanted to go to Charleston. Well, I did and all I saw was the airport and a supermarket and the station. And I said where’s this beautiful Charleston that I’ve always heard about – well, look over there about five miles and you’ll see a steeple or something. Well, I never really get to see these towns. You just sort of – you’re on display all the time. But it’s you know, I enjoy it.

DC: I can see that it’s really become a problem for you to anywhere as a regular person.

JF: Well, it’s a – oddly enough, it’s a …once you get away from the crowd you – I disappear in my own neighborhood. If you keep walking fast enough and mind your own business, you’re all right, but you can easily get a crowd, you know, if you’re that kind of a person who wants a spectacular riot going around you all of the time, but if you mind your own business, people will leave you alone if you walk fast enough and I think I’m lucky living in Manhattan because I think 90% of the people in Manhattan are working people during the daytime and I don’t think they get a chance to watch the soap operas as much, somehow or other, as people in the outlying cities.

DC: I read in the “TV Guide” article about you that you’re so busy now that you hardly ever have time to get your laundry taken to the Laundromat.

JF: That’s quite true. As a matter of fact, I just picked up some last night which I was sorely in need of but as a matter of fact I went to this laundromat about a week ago and they were in the state of re-doing the whole place. I went to pick it up and they were fixing some blowers or something and some of the soot from the old blowers had gotten all over my laundry so they had to do it all over again, so I’ve been kind of stuck again this week for laundry.

DC: Send this man some laundry. When we come back maybe the audience would like to ask you some questions . .

(Commercial break)

DC: I’m sitting here with Jonathan Frid and my whole left side just went numb. Try not to ask if he opens tomato juice cans with his teeth and things like that. What would you like to know from Jonathan? Yes, sir, gentleman in the cape.

JF: Hello, brother!

DC: I was wondering if you’ve done any research on the vampire legend and if you believe in any of the material about it yourself?

JF: I began to do a certain amount of research. I did, but then I sort of cooled it because we kind of tend to make up our own rules anyway, you know, a little bit and if . . I’ve found in the past that in doing too much research, if the producers haven’t gone along with it and the writers haven’t gone along with it, you just become frustrated. I’ve done that with – I talked about this on another show recently – I was researching Richard III when I was playing it an if you try to research that play which is a sheer exercise in villainy, you’re in big trouble. I mean, if you actually research the historical documents on Richard, he wasn’t all that bad, so you might as well forget it and just take the play for what it is. I think in this case too, I think . . I don’t really believe too much in all of this if I tell the truth, but you know, I play the moment that is given to me by the writers and so forth and so on, and I let it go pretty much at that. I’ve done some research on it, yes. I know a lot more about vampires than I ever did before. I’ll say that much!

DC: Yes, the lady on the aisle.

Lady: Do you enjoy playing a vampire?

JF: Yes, I enjoy playing the role of Barnabas Collins. The vampire part is fine, you know, but it’s – there’s a lot more to it than just vampire. I mean, it’s not a gimmick role really. It’s has an awful lot to play when you take the whole character over the period of a year. There have been many emotions to play, many situations, many problems that are not just biting people.

DC: It would be hard to think of you as anything else for awhile. I can’t see you as Tom Sawyer for a long time. The gentleman on the isle there.

Man: How do you feel about your fans. Do you read all of your fan mail?

JF: Well, I love the fans. They’ve made me what I am. Indeed they really have as far as the story is concerned because – we watch the mail very carefully. The producers watch the mail for that reason to take ideas. They still think about ideas all the time. Our going into the past was strongly influenced by the fact that people wanted to know where I came from.

DC: So the fan mail could influence the plot?

JF: They can influence the plot. But I enjoy the mail. I must say that, you know, when you get a great quantity of mail it’s pretty hard to keep up with it. So again, I want to publically apologize to people who may not have heard from me. It’s because there is so much.

DC: I feel sorry for this gentleman because we can’t get a mike to him – so yell it out and I’ll repeat it.

Man: Grayson Hall is the woman doctor and that kept you going for awhile. Is it Grayson Hall?

JF: She’s still keeping me going!

Man: There always seems to be a great rapport between the two of you when you are acting, at least I feel this way. Is there such a thing?

JF: Yes, oh yes! I’m very fond of Grayson and we kid a lot. We kid around an awful lot, you know, before we do these scenes endlessly together, and so we have a lot of fun together and she’s a ball. She makes working at that studio a party every day. I get all my entertainment at the studio.

DC: You were asking is there anything going on between them, didn’t you? The young lady on the isle.

JF: Now please! Her husband writes the show. I’d better watch myself.

DC: There’s your answer. Yes, yes ma’am, I mean.

Lady: Would you rather play a romantic scene with a beautiful girl?

JF: Yes, I enjoy them very much. But again, I like the variety in the role. I mean, one of the scenes I often play I have a kinney [kinescope?] film of one of the shows of a love scene I was having with Josette with Angelique that I’m very proud of.

DC: Oh, we’re being swept away. We’ll all have to come back.

-End of Interview-

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Episode 15, Editing… One Step At A Time

Might as well make another blog entry about how time consuming this creation is for people who probably listen with total aloofness. (I can only speculate on this since barely anyone will talk to me about it.) Why am I so cranky? Well I tend to only get to talk to people who let me down or say cruel things. When I get the rare feedback I’m often told I’ve been doing “professional” work as far as sound-quality, acting, writing, etc. But I’m not getting paid. So for me to mostly deal with invalidation while doing what is often quoted as professional work? Yep! You’re going to get someone who is major peeved most of the time.

My husband left off at episode 11 part two a number of weeks ago so this last weekend we listened to Episode 12, “Dark Therapy” together. He kept pinching bits and fragments of refuse off of the carpet to put into the garbage with a nit-picky nervousness. I just thought, “Hell… if this is what people do when they listen to the audio? Get out a note book and stare at it while you listen, and then write down some comments to send me. Better than getting all antsy.” I thought of this especially when he got up during the episode to peruse the kitchen and then calling out heckles at Tom Jennings. Dude! Save the heckles for Tom Jennings to put in the comment boxes!

DONNIE

Moving around all of that crap in Caleb’s House? Tom Jennings would enjoy receiving your heckles.

So today and yesterday, between fits of temper, I managed to enjoy the hilarious antics of Nicholas Blair and Vampire Angelique playing gin-rummy. I said we wanted to find a redemption for her we could digest, yes? Well, it’s slow going but right now she’s whipping Blair’s butt at gin-rummy and has just won seven games of it in a row. She’s also trying to remember who the hell was talking to her (,it was the ghost of Jeremiah,) when she was dead and what the point of it was. Good Girl!

If this didn’t bust me up so much it would be much harder to edit and get done. I remember doing a performance of this scene for my husband and we pretty much “wet-’em”. Then I’m splicing in lines for Barnabas which are at a higher pitch in performance to try and get Jonathan Frid’s voice more accurate. I really like this change. The Roger lines I’m cringing to pick. Yes, Louis Edmonds would more likely inflect this word in this manner but it’s sooooo hard to let go of the old demo version!

“Cassandra? Really? Seriously? BLONDE?

It was quite husky in the demo which is funnier but not how Roger would say it, so I had to accept the alteration.

I also re-performed Lily Munster’s lines to make them less high-pitched and more accurate to Yvonne DeCarlo’s performance of her. It seems the most difficult thing to decide on when multiple female characters are in the same scene and making sure they’re different enough. I am a woman. My voice is a variance of androgyny, and it really is the female voices that are harder for me. But I hopefully did well on this scene between Lily Dracula Munster and Vampire Angelique.

clean

Lily thought she sensed a kindred vampire around… nope. Vampire Angelique is a bit different, so she’s having a little “chat” with her. 😉

Thank God! The sound effects for this scene are already placed in there from earlier. Oh goodie! Now time to splice in some Roger lines. I remember asking Osheen if she knew enough about Roger and Elizabeth’s parents to get this scene authentic. Osheen expressed her knowledge of their parents and said this scene would work for authenticity. Yay! So here is what Roger Collins deduces about their cousin Lily…

roger

“Hmmnnn… Mother really should have told us more about her side of the family… but then… she did always say that it was complicated. And if it’s more complicated than our lives have been, I don’t blame her for not trying to explain it.”


Not sure if I’ll keep going today. Wish I had some correspondence to attend to, but that’s the update for Episode 15, “A Blundering Succubus”.

Peace.

How to Nurture The Talent, A Conversation With Our Auntie

This isn’t the Aunt who had her own radio show, by the way. This is another Auntie. As this conversation goes we delve back and forth between personal news and the bigger issues, one of which is the drought along the West Coast, water-rationing, and my project difficulties, of course. Looks like conversation on my work isn’t the only shortage around. :/


DARYL: But water is obviously (laughing) quite important in most of our lives!

AUNT: Yes it is!

DARYL: So rationing is a strange phenomenon some people can’t get their heads around.

AUNT: Ah, yes. Hmm… well I have to tell you I haven’t listened to your episodes in a while but I mean to. With my set up now I can’t play it loud enough to hear it very well. Where I live there is a lot of noise between the people we share our walls and the folks living on the upper story. [She describes the building she lives in that houses four units.]

DARYL: Do you have headphones?

AUNT: Oh, yeah, but I need batteries for this player. (laughs) I don’t like headphones but I can use them, I just have to get batteries for that. Anyway, I DO think you’re very talented and it’s wonderful, you know. Your mother-in-law and I are going to listen to it together when she visits. We’re planning on that.

DARYL: Oh, good! I was wondering if I should send you more. I only have thirteen episodes uploaded online. I’m working on episode fifteen. I already have fourteen finished but that one isn’t uploaded online because I can’t deal with the lack of discussion on the others.

AUNT: Ah, so you’re waiting for more discussion to come. Okay, I’ll try to do better.

DARYL: Great! I was really surprised because I figured you were a shoe-in as you enjoyed my librivox work so much. I thought, “I gotta get the chat from her!” and then I thought, “Okay, now what’s happening?” This work is over three years old now.

AUNT: I know. I wrote you something before Christmas about the first two.

DARYL: Yes. I actually shared a bit of what you wrote to me and mostly what I got out of that was people remembering Postum! (sad laughter)

AUNT: Ah, well it was part of Americana at the time, just like we used to have Log Cabin syrup and it came in a metal log cabin can. Too bad we didn’t save some of them, right? Ha-ha… That was different, too. Even though my mother used to make syrup with brown sugar and water, she’d make her own syrup sometimes when we didn’t have any. Anyway, I’ve been hearing about the drought on The West Coast. It’s scary when you think about it.

DARYL: It really is, and people just kinda toss it off.

AUNT: Plus out there supplies so much of the food all over the country as well as a few other countries, too.

DARYL: Yes, there was that bit about the rice farmers out there getting paid not to grow it so they could use their water supply. I just thought, “I would rather have water than rice.” (laughing)

AUNT: We take it for granted and waste water. We shouldn’t take it for granted but we do. You know, we turn on the water to brush our teeth and sometimes we just let it run… Or we run the water to get it hot for bathing.

DARYL: That’s true. What I’ve learned to do both in public restrooms and at home, most of the soap is liquid soap anyway. I don’t even turn on the water. I take the liquid soap, rub it on my hands and then wash it off. So I’ll rub that in and then turn on the water to wash it off. And I have all kinds of techniques I’ve learned over the years to conserve.

AUNT: That’s good. I remember my mom and my brother would save the water and use it outside on the plants.

DARYL: Yeah! I remember my husband told me how he grew up with a bucket in the bathtub so he’d run the water to get it hot, fill up the bucket and place it outside the tub and then take his shower. I said, “Man! That’s really workin’ hard! That’s amazing!”

AUNT: It’s a good idea. That way you can water your garden or else everything will die in it if there isn’t enough water to go around.

DARYL: And you don’t waste it since you’re trying to get the water warm anyway. So you fill that up to get the water warm and then take you take your shower.

AUNT: My father always worried that the septic tank would over flow. Of course, now we have sewers. That was always such a terrible worry all those years. We’d worry about that if we used too much water. My husband worried about it, too. If you don’t have sewers and your own septic you tend to worry about things like that. Back in our old place we had a septic tank and leaching fields. Sometimes he’d say, “Don’t use the water” and we’d have to lay-off for a while. So when we moved he said, “When we get a house it has to have a sewage system. We can’t have a septic tank. It’s too nerve-wracking.”

DARYL: I’ll bet!

AUNT: So, what do you guys watch on TV now? I know you’re all into this Dark Shadows. I’d like to see more of it. I think it would enhance my experience with what you’re doing.

DARYL: Well I could probably send you some DVDs of a nice 101 set that I like. But, for the most part, watchin’ a soap opera? Even if it’s supernatural and different? Being exposed to it can really get ya aggravated and snotty. That’s what I’ve noticed with a majority of the fans I’ve had to interact with. They just… they hate the protagonist, most of these people, they absolutely hate the protagonist, for whatever reason. They treat him like he’s just a regular old man chasing after young women. And I’m thinking, “He’s a vampire! Dracula did the same thing!” (laughing)

AUNT: A-ha.

DARYL: However, my husband watches quite a bit of TV. But since I’m stuck in this thing I can’t watch any new shows or movies anymore. I can only watch the film “Clue”, Dark Shadows, The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, The Addams Family, The Munsters, everything that I’m involving in it, that’s all that I can focus on.

AUNT: Oh, wow!

DARYL: Because my Muse has throttled me. I try to do something else and I can’t do it. So, that’s why I’m desperate. My Muse is a very harsh mistress.

AUNT: I wish we had some way to contact you with someone who is in the business. You know, you have such a talent. You should be working for some of them doing this kind of creative stuff.

DARYL: I agree! But it’s like I told my neighbour, she was taking me back from the market today, and I said, “I know the answers to all my problems, the difficulty is I don’t actually own the solutions. This is like if I needed a supplement for magnesium or potassium and I couldn’t find it at any stores.” That’s what’s happening. There’s no way I can obtain the solutions.

AUNT: Yes, yes, yes, you don’t have access.

DARYL: And as with a lot of people they tell themselves, “Well I’m depressed therefore my problem of depression is solved.” No it’s not. You know what the problem is, you haven’t solved it yet. You know, that’s the terrible thing about right now. So many people say, “Well I have this diagnosis so I’m going to let that be the excuse for everything wrong that I do rather than solving it.”

AUNT: (laughing) Mmm-hmm!

DARYL: It’s awful! (sad laughter, and sighs) Yeah, I’ve been makin’ a lot of people angry since they’re used to so much bickering anyway. So I went looking for other people, and other people are a little better but I’m still not getting the chat on the work. And a lot of that is due to the internet leaning people into a lot of like-clicks and sharing memes, which are basically greeting-card photo-files. People don’t talk that much anymore. I had to let my audience know, “Hey, I need X,Y, & Z to keep sharing it. Otherwise I’m going to keep making it on my own. I spent my life-savings and am doing the hardest work of my life and I need more than numbers. I have to find the right people to share it with who can talk to me about what they’re picking up on with this show I’m creating.” I have hundreds, even thousands of listeners right now.

AUNT: (surprise) Do you really?

DARYL: Yes, I do. I got it to multiple different websites and I get downloads every single day.

AUNT: Goodness!!

DARYL: So, you figure all they’d have to do is say they liked or laughed at A, B, C, or X, Y, and Z, this and this and this, just a little summary of what they enjoyed per episode and they’re not doin’ it. It’s crazy. And I’ve said, Hey, if it’s being scared of fandom politics with some of these soap opera fans? It’s like William Shatner said on Saturday Night Live,

just a tv show william shatner

“It’s just a TV show, dammit! It’s just a TV show!”

Nobody’s gonna come and get’cha. Ya gotta nurture the talent. I can’t get paid. In fact I’ve paid my life-savings to create this to make it easy for people to get. I’ve sent people CDs and I have one radio station airing it, I might get another one soon.

AUNT: Well that sounds good!

DARYL: It sounds good, but, yeah, if people aren’t talkin’ there’s somethin’ wrong. It’s because the internet’s made a lot of them these robotic Eloi, like in “The Time Machine” from the 1960s where Weena’s drowning, and the rest of the Eloi, all her friends, are just staring at her drown, they’re not helping her at all? It’s like that.

others look on as Weena drowns

They’re just watchin’ her drown and going, “Well, this is amusing.” And then George is like, “Why doesn’t somebody help her?!” And he gets his jacket off and rushes in!

AUNT: (knowing laugh) Yeah.

DARYL: That’s what’s happened. Everybody just shares files and they stare at the horror and they like-click it and that’s it! I’m like, “You guys? (laughing) Ya gotta wake up.” These machines were not created so you could just be a robot. It’s so you can communicate.

AUNT: Well maybe that’s why it’s so successful. People want to do that and are lazy, generally.

DARYL: YEAH! They forgot how to talk. Like in the 1990’s a lot of people were talking because most of it was text and now people are all dazzled with, “Ohhhh, look at the pretty pictures!” And I’m like, “I’m so tired of the pretty pictures.” (laughing) We gotta be better than this. Plus, this is what kills me, the influence of human empathy and intelligence created all of these wonderful inventions and now it’s being given to a lot of docile primates.

AUNT: Ah! (laughing)

DARYL: A bunch of people who can’t appreciate it, some are spoiled or whatever and just go, “Oooo, the pretty pictures!” and they’re all dazzled and I’m saying, “We got this technology because people were smart and communicative and that’s why we have all this and now we’ve all regressed into a kind of lemur.” It drives me nuts!

AUNT: Right. Well, it’s true, though. Yeah… Very true. It’s a shame, huh?

DARYL: And that’s what I want to change with this thing. I notice some of the people who can talk to me? They can’t comment so well because they’re still fragmented by the technology. They like Star Trek, they like Kirk and Spock Star Trek, they like Picard and Data The Next Generation Star Trek, that kind of thing? And those were very uplifting “let’s make ourselves better” programs. The new Star Trek movies aren’t really like that. It’s more about conflict. I said, “You know what this is? It’s the new Star Trek. It’s showing how to make things better.”

star trek old

TNG_header

AUNT: Oh, okay!

DARYL: Even though there is no Star Trek in my program, the essence is the same, let’s improve our lives.

AUNT: That’s good, yes!

DARYL: And because it melds so many shows it’s like the same thing, where The Enterprise is going to multiple different worlds and there are all these different species. I’ve got the soap-opera but I’ve also got The Ghost & Mrs. Muir and The Addams Family, etc. They’re all meeting! So it is like Star Trek because it’s all these different cultures and universes melding!

AUNT: Yes, yes. That’s fun. That’s right!

DARYL: (laughing) So, I told two people who are giving out these postcards that I had made, I said, “Hit the Star Trek conventions! Please, hit the Star Trek conventions! That’s the people who are going to understand this!”  Yes, the new Star Trek isn’t really Star Trek, my project is the new Star Trek. And that’s another reason it’s been so hard to get people active with it because most of the people who do fanwork with just the soap-opera, they’re more about conflict than morality plays and that’s what I’m doing is a morality play.

AUNT: (cheerful) Okay!

DARYL: Anyway, I just thought I’d call you to find out if I could send you some more CDs because I don’t have enough to occupy myself and focus on. I did the voice-acting today for one character for my fifteenth episode just to keep going because I can’t do anything else. But I have managed to get started on the cleaning. But I wanted to see how you were doing and to make more disks for you.

AUNT: Oh, sure that would be great. I gotta get busy and work on the others. I listen more than once, you know.

DARYL: Yeah, I actually listened to them for over a year, the old copies, and that’s when I knew I had something good. I listened to them repeatedly, and the lines were so good like in the film Clue and on the other shows. I realized, “I’ve got gold.” I have to find a way to nurture the talent, but a lot of people online, they just like-click it and that’s not good enough. (laughing) I gotta find out what was enjoyed.

AUNT: Mmm-hmmm.

DARYL: And it drives me crazy because people will talk about entertainment they enjoyed to a third-party. If the person who created it asked them, “Hey, will you tell me what you liked?” they’re not as willing to do that unless they’re super-famous. What usually happens is, “Hey, I like this so much, I want to tell a friend about it!” and I’m asking, “Hey, whatever you’re telling a friend about what you enjoyed about this, tell me. That’s what I want to know.”

AUNT: Yes.

DARYL:  I don’t want a lot of praise. For me it’s a journey. These aren’t any of my characters minus a precious two I added. I just want to know that third-party chat. That’s what’s driving me crazy. Other people are talking, but they’re not talking to me.

AUNT: Yes, I can understand your plight, yes.

DARYL: And I figured you would, ‘cause you’re really sharp! (laughing)

AUNT: (giggling) Well, I don’t know if I am or not, but with this I’m gonna try.


Then we discussed the wedding my husband and I had and how much she loved how we went about it, as well as visiting the tea shop we’d had our reception at and enjoying their sandwich plates and so forth. I mentioned how we visited a gift shop nearby that had a player piano recently. (This is major as we rarely get out to enjoy things.) It played the “University of Maine, Stein Song” I knew from Rudy Vallee and managed to sing most if it in my best impression of him. A few boys were totally amused and one smiled, “Good singing!”

Thank you!

So, until next time my gentle readers who have to deal with my drunken angst…

Peace.

The Promise of What Praise Can Do: “Margaret Josette Dupres (A Novel)” [Note 7]

Having been through the abuse stream, as well as watching it occur, along with my studies in psychology and what William Faulkner describes as “the human heart in conflict with itself”, I saw what post-kidnapped Maggie Evans would be struggling with as a reincarnation of Josette. With Margaret Josette Dupres (A Novel) I still feel a re-working is in order for some parts of the book. Because The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows received so many numbers, (and still does) rather than the insight I needed to keep going, when I was taken over by the marriage novel, I felt Maggie got too much of the fast-track, when I meant to explore her difficulties more in the radio drama. However, when I completed my first draft I left the three Healing chapters until the end. I didn’t want to go there, but I knew for the sake of authenticity Barnabas and Maggie would have to endure this difficulty.

How Maggie could forgive the kidnapping could not take effect simply by looking at her lives as Josette Dupres and Kitty Soames, more would be necessary to get through the memories of the trauma. Over all she understands Barnabas’ madness but that inner child has needs and many relationships go through levels of stress. Acting-out, whether in forms of fantasy or reality, is what many couples require to express both pleasure and pain.

Maggie Evans was not the sole person to experience that kidnapping. So who does she turn to? The man who changed from cocky to empathetic due to being trapped by this circumstance.

Willie scared

Willie Loomis

Chapter 12 “Willie’s Wounds” originally was something I was putting together to reflect on a unique experience Willie had after being shot in the back and going both to the hospital and to Wyndcliff. As this novel was being re-written it became an integral addition to the story as a whole rather than the bedroom vignettes it began as. Rather than this tale being told for no particular purpose in mind, Maggie ascends the stairs to Willie’s room at the end of Chapter 11. In Chapter 12 Maggie is now asking for help to determine what her feelings are and how the experience affected Willie Loomis. After so much time he was wondering how on earth her inner struggles being married to her kidnapper didn’t surface before.

“Yes,” she says to him, “tell me anything about it. I just need to think about you’re being in the hospital and at Wyndcliff and why you were there.”

Willie Loomis then goes on to detail his experience, the main one being someone showing him kindness in a way that was difficult for him to understand where he was and how it was happening. In Dark Shadows they placed Willie Loomis on his back after he was shot there! What the heck??? (Actually, Mad Margaret and I have discussed several times how nerve-wracking that was to witness. She seemed rather grateful I rectified that situation in my work. Additives as such make one feel better.) So in Chapter 12 he relates to being laid on his stomach instead.

Link To Chapter 12: Willie’s Wounds


mad margaret chapter 12
     I was very interested in reading this chapter because of the subject matter. My story is going in a similar direction. Similar but very different. I liked the way you approached the fill-the-gap theme. It’s really nice that Willie and Maggie both have someone they can confide in. Thank you for pointing out that in the hospital he would have been on his stomach, not his back like on TV. It was very realistic the way his mind wandered in and out of reality because of the pain meds and maybe some memories faded with time. Sounds like we may get to meet Miss Kiss. And now Maggie wants shackles and a bucket of ice? Oh geez, can’t wait to see where that’s going to go.

Yes, thank you! (And I’m still wondering if the later chapters were read and what the thoughts are, though that is a much harsher subject matter, of course.) I love the description “Miss Kiss”. Bringing out peripheral characters is tough. With this one it’s still rather difficult. I have to finally stamp down a first name eventually as they didn’t give the nurse one on the program.

katie chapter 12
I’ve always felt that Willie was a “go along to get along” guy in Jason’s world, just trying to survive. I think that it took his encounter with Barnabas to bring out the real Willie Loomis. A sweet, unassuming man, ready to sacrifice himself for those he deemed worthy. There is a lot in Willie that needs to be expressed, but I’m pretty sure that his upbringing never provided him with those skills. Willie is my most loved member of this dear, dysfunctional family and you have begun fine work in helping Willie and Maggie find their way back to living in peace. I hope that the three of them get their happily ever after, when the healing is complete.

Another fine bit of writing.

Indeed. I felt the same way. It was like Willie was rough and tumble, kind of scuzzy as he’d been exposed to that much of his life. I heartily appreciate this discussion on the work. I remember getting so much silence and writhing, “My God! Doesn’t anyone even care about Willie?!” But being under the power of Evil Barnabas, having to come to terms with this totally unfathomable situation Willie can’t control, his better nature grows out, and then more friendships form for him. Thank you, Katie!

myhrr chapter 12
A bucket of ice? Whatever for?

Your writings remind me of what I think. Very liberated nathaniel hawthorne would have written if he had lived in the 19th century. Very dark, yet very soothing. A snippet of a whip infused with a tender spring of babys breath. Thoroughly enjoyed this chapter!

Yes, a bucket of ice. Whoah! Nathaniel Hawthorne. Amazing. That is one author I have the worst time following and I put that down more to the time period than his style. It’s groovy to be compared to an author who is that high in caliber. Blessings for that.

Helena Clara Bouchet chapter 12
I hope Maggie will find the nurse and bring her up to Collinwood for Maggie. At first I thought he was fantasizing due to the meds, but he saw her shadow. Hmmm.

And I am SO ready for the ice and the chains session! Great chapter for Willie and ready for that next chapter 😉

Ever the helpful Helena, oh and she lets us know what’s coming up. Goodness! I know. I got the feeling, as said in my first podcast intro, that Barnabas seemed to have this S&M thing going on. Never thought I’d have to go through it! AH! (And Helena had read previous drafts so she was aware of what was coming up.) I must wonder why Barnabas turns on so many people. I tap into the complexity as well as the deep romantic nature. I leave dreams of sleeping with him up for others to enjoy. My own healing comes from seeing all the romances finally reaching each other. Watching the love that could be, and for me is, in the work.

Veritas chapter 12
I’ve always liked Willie, even when Barnabas had him doing all the henchman stuff, but now I love him. He seems like he’d be such a sweet guy if he wanted to, and I can’t wait to meet the mystery woman!

Uh oh, Barnabas better be prepared! He told her to get angry and take it out on him, I just hope he realizes how bad its gonna be!

Keep going! I’m loving every minute of it, even the not-so-happy parts.

Yay! Yes, even our poor mystery-woman was getting the fast-track for this story. All in all everyone’s curiousity and interest in what was going to happen next? That seriously helped me! Having to go through the horror all over again was painful, I knew it was going to be and in performing it, mostly in mind, but partly in body, I actually created physical pain for myself that weekend. My husband was quite worried. So thank you all for the enthusiasm! ❤


10659261_1459676970969307_2793389646950023177_n

With Chapter 12 Maggie gains the sense of revenge she requires by Chapters 13-15. In order to relieve herself and Barnabas she finds a way to bind him in her bedroom, and present a series of tortures to him, which he had been on the point of almost requesting in earlier chapters. His own turmoil having turned him into the mad creature he was, Barnabas understands a cruel type of behaviour has to be released and his love for her is dear enough he wants to give himself into it for her sake.

Link To Chapter 13, Healing: Part 1 Shackled

Helena Clara Bouchet chapter 13
Okay, let me get my amusement out of the way first: LOL! Make sure the door’s locked, Josette, or Willie may be traumatized by looking at Barnabas’ in all of his chained and iced-down glory. 😀

Now to get serious: the tables had turned for Barnabas. His punishment for what he did to Maggie (and she was scary in this chapter) was being delivered. Oh the fear he must be feeling, but he does it for her healing, which she deserves. But I wonder what does the little boy in him fear? Is it the unknown or something concrete? Recollections of being punished by his father and not knowing how? I wonder if the next chapter will answer that…

You put together the atmosphere well, Daryl. Looking forward to the conclusion 😉

Ah, yes. The only person to review this chapter. With the numbers I got I think many were hungrily enticed by Barnabas getting some S&M from his beloved. However, at least Helena wasn’t too embarrassed to admit it. I realized in all of this it was very likely Barnabas would want to be sure that door was locked. A little mercy on Maggie’s end. Maggie refers to him as a little boy fairly often to me when I channel her. Having that power over him as Josette she can see more sides to his nature than most. We all have in us that inner child we carry from our earliest days.

Link To Chapter 14, Healing: Part 2, Punishment

The wee hours proceed with Maggie torturing Barnabas, with ice, with resounding slaps, taunts, teases, biting words, and sitting in front of the warm fire while he lies in bed freezing. The discussion is also telling in that he admits his memory during the kidnapping was only remembering her, not Angelique, not all that had happened, just Josette, and their being taken from each other. Only one review, but then again I didn’t post this too far or with a photo as I felt so ill about the whole thing at the time.

Helena Clara Bouchet chapter 14
That was a little intense, but way more for Barnabas as the subject of torture. It was funny that he tried to cheat Maggie out of her revenge by attempting to warm himself, but I loved it when she read his thoughts and said, “Don’t even think about it.” Exactly. If Maggie wasn’t relieved of her sufferings, then why should he? Well done here, Daryl! 😉

Thank you. It was good to have this reflection! I’m not sure he was trying to cheat her but coming up with some thought in his mind that could sustain him through the torture, but all in all this is true and he knew it was true, they both did.

Like To Chapter 15, Healing: Part 3, Redemption

Helena Clara Bouchet chapter 15
Wow! That was some heavy, emotional stuff going on in there. I hope Maggie/ Josette had got over the hardest part of her recovery from her past trauma. And although the physical discomforts/ pain were cringe-worthy, the thing that broke Barnabas down was hearing that he caused shame to her. I think that he REALLY got the message of her pain at that moment. Great chapter! 🙂

Thank you again. I was really surprised at the outcome and not only that but I found Maggie torturing Barnabas even more than in the previous draft. That was where my physical pain came in. I had to burn up as her and choke myself as Barnabas to get a feeling of what that would be like or what it had been like in my experiences with abuse. It was like a blow to the heart when she snarled at him so viciously, and it makes sense as he would be ashamed of having turned into something so different than when he wasn’t cursed. Plus the drinking was a new element as well. Previously they had a certain sexual gratification from that, now it’s become painful, it’s part of her revenge.

katie chapter 15 
I like the ‘all bets are off’ approach you took with this. After what these two had endured, a simple trip to Wyndcliff wasn’t likely to heal the pain. If any two people were ever candidates for PTSD, it would be Maggie and Barnabas.

Very intense, and in parts, very difficult to read because of the great emotion and anger, but a happy story too. Maybe now these lovers can get on with having the happy life they deserve.

I am sooooo grateful for this review, Katie. I truly am. It was decidedly difficult to endure with them. With fans who are strangely offended at this pairing I see teasing take place that it’s a fairy tale wedding and this hard work into making it accurate and valid proves that it’s nothing of the sort. When I studied regression therapy I saw that the only way Maggie could remember being Josette for sure was to unblock the kidnapping and all of a sudden she has so much information to process. Plus I didn’t expect her reaction at the end. I thought she would have her way with him and that would be it, but when those tears came I was completely stunned.


Still working on Episode 15 of the radio drama. Lots of augmenting for it’s own authenticity, even with the uncertainty it will ever be uploaded, but press on we must.

I look forward to better changes in the future from listeners of the radio series, but after over a year of surging hopes only to be defeated I can’t afford to hope for it anymore. Just keep going and see what happens.

There will be more happiness and turmoil for this marriage as well as how their friends and relations view it. Very much looking forward to Sam Evans entry in first person, but we have a lot of love and affection to explore before that.

Many blessings and take care,

Daryl

oh god

The Promise of What Praise Can Do: “Margaret Josette Dupres (A Novel)” [Note 6]

Yes. I am very tired of editing Episode 14 in The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows. So I thought I’d focus on this again just to make due with all the program crashes and interruptions, as well as weaning myself from facebook minus twice a week. I’d like to confess that I have several more chapters planned for “Margaret Josette Dupres” as well as re-starting “200 Years Away” which is the T-rated version. I’m leaving the old one up because it just got too messy switching things out and when I restart it I want to get a note on it to inform followers when the re-write is going to happen.

One thing I have learned in all this is it’s a nice compliment to get a follow/favourite on a story. You at least have some recognition that someone cares about it enough not to want to miss anything. I do blame device tech for much of the troubles in lack of commentary and the lack of letter-writing ability. I figure if someone can read and speak they have the wherewithal to type down their reflections on material they enjoyed. People blame ADHD, but I see this more as the distract-ability the internet has enmeshed us in. A pen pal tells me even people sending her mail have reduced their skills to things less worthy than greeting cards. OUCH!

Our lives have been simplified by correspondence in bits & bytes. No wonder I’m making so many people angry. For ten years they’ve been trained not to think. Oops. Sorry, I thought that was what the cerebral cortex was for and why we have it to invent all this stuff. Hey, if you can’t hook up a bluetooth keyboard to your device, you could get some time at the library. One of my best supporters did that. 🙂 Especially Chapter 5 of “Margaret Josette Dupres”. Maggie hits on some serious wisdom there and all back in the 1960s.

Chapter 9 of this story is another bedroom scene, but it contains the more vampiric aspect of the relationship. One person who didn’t review said it was one of her favourites, for the darkness and the consideration Barnabas starts to recognize in who Maggie is now considering her memories of previous lifetimes. He also knows that sooner or later her reaction to his harm on her will need to come out, and need to be engaged upon him. Considering how woe-be-gone this man of romance is, he’s looking toward the inevitable. Becoming such a horror himself he feels the need to prove his merit to the one woman he crossed centuries to find again and again.

Yes, I know. In Dark Shadows, this couple was doomed. But… what if they weren’t? Some of us who remain nameless were quite relieved at the goofy 2012 movie’s ending. We didn’t know each other then but a few of us do now and we all walked out of the theater completely stunned! They made it! Barnabas & Josette reached each other! And they’re vampires!

2012 barnabas and josette

All right! Pour some champagne! 

Mind you, this wasn’t why they became vampires for my series. The Wedding Night just threw itself at me in that light. It took a while to sort out why they were, but then I realized, “Wait, we’ve got these lovers reaching each other through her THREE incarnations. It’s a spooky community, and hey cousin Lily (Munster) wanders around in the day. That could be a wedding present. Got it!”

Which I guess presents one of the latest generation gaps. Old Dark Shadows fans prefer everyone winding up totally domestic whereas us younger fans grew up with The Lost Boys, Beetlejuice, Love At First Bite, Roger Corman’s “The Raven“, Harry Potter, The Addams Family films, trippy mangas and comics where all this just gets dealt with and most of the time using a sense of humour. A Collinsport working out but remaining spooky isn’t that far of a stretch.

Then weird haters who I think are younger fans… I dunno. They seem really offended by a relief series for Dark Shadows. I have to shake my head. I get called out in announcements, where I’m not likely to read any of it, that I should just “enjoy the ride”. Do they say this to all fanwork creators? What are they so worried about? No one is making them read or listen to it. (I’ve just been ticked-off bizarre behaviour like that scared so many people who love the characters into silence. Haters might at least pat themselves on the back for being that cruel. That’s a rather grievous accomplishment. Could take a little pride in the harm they already achieved. Want some more horror? Pick up a newspaper. It’s all in there.)


Now on to the positive!

Helena, chapter 9 

This was erotic (although I was having nauseous moments with the blood) and a pleasure to read. You know, it would be interesting to know of Laura and Roger’s “fiery” relationship. I bet that would be kind of epic with a bowl of popcorn and eyes glued to the pages. lol And with the 3 or 4 of them (B/ M (J/KF) in bed, it WAS a Collinwood orgy although 2 of them were dormant (or were they?).

Ah, yes, that is the point that he’s finding even more alluring. All those beings are in one. Depending on how much time Barnabas spends in the varying time periods, his bride is older in terms of at least 60 years of memories.

myhrr chapter 9 .
Well you have done it again my friend. Regaling the reader with the most intimate of details captured within a 200 year old love affair.

Yay! Thank you!

Which leads us to Chapter 10:  “Prior Disturbances Come to Haunt”

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This is dealing with the kidnapping. 😦

Not a whole lot of data on that as it doesn’t keep to the happily ever after content seen earlier. I knew to make it authentic I would have to channel even further, and it was rough! Barnabas is coming to terms with the knowledge more suffering is coming. Maggie, even as Josette, is not going to magically forget the kidnapping. So with this chapter his friend Julia Hoffman has to come and spend some time going over the details with him. He lightens the conversation with inquiries about Professor Stokes proposal to her, but Julia won’t be distracted.

Helena, chapter 10 
I liked this chapter and Julia :). Ah, congrats to her and Eliot! While I do share her concern, I do agree that Maggie needs to deliver some pay back for her ordeal in captivity (which I mentioned before in your previous uploads). Looking forward to what happens next 😉

Yes, I wasn’t sure where their marriage would happen in the radio drama so I kept things somewhat vague. I’m glad you were aware of the craziness I was going through. Some of those old drafts were downright demonic and weird. I just didn’t have anyone to turn to in what was happening to me.

myhrr chapter 10 
As ever you leave the reader thirsting for more…so to speak!

Thank you! I was surprised how much longer the healing process was going to go on. I’d experienced the Healing chapters before but as “Margaret Josette Dupres” was unfolding more of a story than the romance vignettes it began as, I found unique occurrences I hadn’t seen before. And my being able to was created by the fact people were reading and reviewing the work. ^_^  The previous run was very sparse. I really felt all alone most of the time in it.

the kidnapping

Chapter 11: “A Tender Retreat” shows Maggie contemplating all the horrors, and how to rise from them. She speaks in first person, whereas for Chapter 10 Barnabas was speaking. She recalls being Josette, but she also recalls the terror he gave her during her current life. He was driven mad, but it doesn’t change the fact it happened. So our couple face a very sad loneliness, not spending much time together minus in the hours of their slumber. They both realize this has to be faced and maintain some distance while Maggie works herself through it.

myhrr chapter 11 
So poignant and beautifully written. I felt her anguish fear and dread. As well as Barnabas’ longing to quell the fear that he is still the monster that locked her in the coffin!

Yes! Thank you! Very insightful to read this commentary and that chapter was tough to get out, really. Doing a relief series one doesn’t want to go down this road, but being a study of psychology, one knows it has to come.

Veritas, chapter 11 
Loved it! I don’t like sad MJD though…makes me sad. I think her talking to Willie is a brilliant idea, she’s sort of seeking out a kindred spirit in him, knowing that they’ve both suffered some sort of abuse from our at-times deranged vampire. And poor Barnabas, knowing he’s the reason for her sadness has to be soul crushing.

Aye! Just all this hurt, but the comments on experiencing that with the one putting it out there is incredibly helpful. I realized Willie Loomis would be the confidant she would seek, which was wild because I’d written the following chapter about his Wyndcliff experience a very long time before this one leading up to it!

Helena, chapter 11 
And I agree that she wouldn’t (Too bad the show had Vampire Angelique to erase her memory when Maggie did remember the kidnapping. Ah, YouTube…). I felt Maggie’s hurt and anger, which you expressed well, Daryl. Waiting for chapter 12 😉

Indeed. There actually is a lot of things to sift through when doing Interruption fanwork. If one interrupts Dark Shadows what stays and what goes? For The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows we have Maggie going through regression right AS Angelique awakens as a vampire. I felt it was very fitting considering Josette and Angelique were friends. They’re both going through a major change simultaneously. Didn’t really plan it, but when it happened I was floored. And I must chuckle at the youtube mention, where many of us poorer fans must go to retrieve data.

I give my hearty thanks to these reviews. Ones for the radio drama coming so slowly and sporadically it’s hard to move faster with the series, but this tended to have enough to push me forward and share more.

Not much for The “Healing” chapters but a good show for “Willie’s Wounds” so I think my next note will comprise those four chapters and their reviews. Helena made it through all the suspense with me of each Healing chapter. Which I’m very grateful for as it was tough. I didn’t even want to post the 2nd part with a photo. It was just too dark and painful. I’ll post more about that later.

Meanwhile, I have to edit in music for poor Willie’s confrontation with Barnabas in The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows. I guess over all things are rather gloomy today. Even the sky is overcast which I normally prefer, but today it lends to the slight feeling of sorrow in such a tale.

Take care, everyone.

Margaret Josette Dupres continues…

Barnabas and Kitty

[Adult] The baby is asleep, but this couple is not. Well, it’s Winter. Is anyone cold? This part is rather intense and I’m told one had to roll in the snow to cool off. ❤ Here is the link to chapter 37:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10240300/38/Margaret-Josette-Dupres-A-Novel

new bed

Wedded Bliss

Our Baby Sleeps, But We Do Not…

So, while I was channeling the happy couple I was starting to realize the chapter was getting too long. I mainly get troubled by this because the longer a chapter is the harder it is for people who enjoy it to express what it was they enjoyed, as far as certain details go. It’s fun and very nice to get, “wonderful job”, but I’m digging the characters and definitely am curious at what brought smiles to peoples faces or made their hearts fill with joy.

As I was working this out I posted on facebook:

barnabas and josette kissing

“ARG! Over 4,000 words of utter bliss! I have never channeled anyone who was THIS romantic. (In my original material it was only 1 century, not 2 and no previous meet-ups.) It’s that long and they STILL haven’t made it all that adult. Barnabas is too busy trembling in utter happiness. He’s got Josette AND Sarah back now and can’t stop describing it all. Why not explode into a flock of silvery bats and reform to let it out of your system, old man?! Just get it over with. *sigh* I think this is going to be another two-parter.”

barnabas and maggie in wedding clothes

A beloved and fellow writer saw this black and white photo in my post and confessed, “OK, this picture is just so ultra-romantic it’s absurd (in the best possible sense!). It definitely goes well with what you’re saying about Barnabas turning into a flock of silvery bats!”

I responded, “LOL! Thanks. I think he’s finally settled down from believing if he touches her she’s going to disappear to just, “Good Heavens, I can touch her! Damn!”

Chapter 36

Above is the link to chapter 36 of “Margaret Josette Dupres” in which baby Sarah is adored, caressed, admired, and eventually placed in her cradle so her parents can “get busy”. Still, the psychological blow-aways come in to haunt and mesmerize Barnabas. However, Maggie, after her own reincarnation, and giving birth to a reincarnation, has to explain she’s finally accepted how weird Collinsport actually is. Being a half-light vampire can’t be such a massive destruction on the soul. Besides, she hasn’t had blood in over 9 months and is starved.

Maggie Evans as a Vampire in the moonlight

So, this is [ADULT]… at least… I *think* it might be. I’m not even sure. All that adoration and so far it’s mainly description and sensual touching. Maybe it’s PG, or PG-13.

A look of longing