Is The Nightmare Over Yet?

Not sure…

However, scroll down this blog for the latest interview with Osheen Nevoy if you want the new podcast. Very good and worth time for Dark Shadows fans.

Right now I’m going over the four performances I’ve done in the last two years for Dr. “Hawkeye” Pierce. Splicing them together has been grueling and continues to be, just to try and get a single scene as close to the best I can get.

Going forward in this scary life, that I have often related to be a “Science-Fiction Nightmare Made Real” as Jonah and others agree with me, the friends have finally come. And, like my adopted children, I love every single one of you and I have no desire to ever give any of you up.

Each one of you managed to approach me or reciprocate my approach to you individually. If I can manage more than the amount of characters I adore who are in this collage, I believe my heart is just as full to encompass my feelings for you.

logo-collage-five

You matter.

 Human beings rely on each other. Human babies, in all of their helplessness, undoubtedly prove that.  (It’s one of the many, many, many reasons my husband and I decided, responsibly, never to procreate. We don’t drive. How are we going to take care of our children if we aren’t capable of driving?)

I want to assure all of my new friends that I care about you deeply beyond this project. When I listen to my thank you to Lisa in my latest podcast it drives home the point of exactly why I did all of this: I had no one to share it with. The answer? Go online. Unfortunately, by this time, going online meant becoming a narcissist. HUH? I ADORE these characters and knew with their varied communities they could help each other. I wanted to celebrate the characters, not me.

I worked hard to get all the correct and expensive equipment that I felt most people were also obtaining. Whoops. No, they were downgrading themselves to going online with only a smartphone or an iPad and that was that. I had no idea. So in my Intro To Episode 12 ? I wondered, as Ripley wondered in the film Aliens:

did IQs just drop sharply while I was away ALIENS

Sadly, the answer is… yes. Yes they did. And these people did it of their own volition. They allowed themselves to believe it was “every man for himself” and the internet was just a place to get porn or some other low-level entertainment, or to come to the internet to feel they finally had a say in how upset they were about their own lives by getting familiar with strangers and attacking them.

Is this the kind of thing most of us want to deal with when we fire up our machines and go online? I doubt it.

Long ago I was in a creative home movie. The camera faded out of black and there we all were eating dinner. My uncle turned to the camera and said:

“Oh, hi. You know, it’s nice when the family gets together on Sunday for dinner… and… enjoys their company with each other. And in this country? It’s one of the many rights that we have…”

Good so far, then he turns to my mum and says, “Oh, by the way, mother, will you pass me the gun?”

She nods, passes him the prop-gun, that just happens to be laying on our dinner table, and he says, “Thank you.”

Next my uncle looks down on it and turns to the camera, saying, “But you know? There is another right we enjoy in this country: It’s called THE RIGHT TO PRIVACY! And I don’t know why you’re coming into my home– I don’t even KNOW YOU! It really pisses me off, man!”

Then he pulls the trigger of the prop-gun and shoots the camera.

It was funny at the time, but I think I am finding a whole new meaning in that skit we did when I was less than ten years old. 😉 We got hoodwinked into believing we had to post it all online.

No. We don’t.

That’s why I am letting you know now that what many of you have been doing by emailing each other, calling each other on the telephone and writing paper letters to each other is time much better spent. The block function on a lot of websites is very important. It means you refuse to deal with someone you would rather not hear about for whatever reason. You have preferred ways of spending your time. I have even encouraged people who dislike me and what I am doing to block me. I don’t want to deal with them. If they don’t want to see what I’m doing? Great! I said in the beginning and I still say, “25 people are all I was looking for.”

Community is what I want, what my series is about, and what I feel many of you want. We’re getting close. Don’t let complaining people deter you from your goals. Also: never believe that if you hear about me discussing another beloved friend that you don’t matter. You DO matter. I talk about you with them, too! Why? Because I care about all of you. It’s the natural course of discussion. You don’t sit there worshiping the friend you’re speaking with. You shoot the breeze, and the breeze happens to encompass all the other friends you have; Easy peasy.

Facebook was originally created for college students to: 1) shoot the breeze together and 2) help each other study. I have severe doubts it will ever be remotely close to that kind of human expression ever again. This is why new versions of it don’t work either. However, it’s still usable for little things, all the while the previous forms of communication are still extremely important: letter writing, phone calls, emails, text messages, as long as it’s all personal and personable. The nightmare can be over, it can be, but not for everyone, only to those of us who stick to our guns and make sure we mainly pay attention to what is important to us. I am part of that importance but I recognize I’m not the main importance.

The loss is upon us. I was on the phone with Jonah again last night and he agreed that he’s suffered friendship losses, and that the creative source is what he needs to focus on and our understanding of maintaining that focus is the most important consideration. The new “flood” has come, many have drowned, they may never come back, but we have each other. Perhaps this was all a Providential test to see which of us is, internally, the strongest. I let him know I had this same discussion with a cashier the last time my husband and I went music shopping. The cashier also confessed to major friendship loss via social networks. The cycle is never ending in this discussion.

As for me? I want to keep going. I’ve got the next scene of Episode 16 with Hawkeye to complete, come Hell or High-water. When I get past that I’m hoping all the editing runs for more scenes go much faster and more smoothly than this one has for years.

Dear dad who the hell is Julia Hoffman.gif

I was often so lost in the confusion of why no one was speaking with me until Melissa came along and posted her commentary to the first episode in The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows.

Melissas first Pit review.jpg

I reached out and asked Melissa, “How did you do that?”

She said, casually, “There was a comment box. I expressed what I enjoyed, naturally.”

And that’s when I knew I had every right to be completely baffled by the behaviour of discussion-avoidance all of these years. Melissa did the discussion automatically and expressed, “It’s natural.” I always knew it was, it always was to me about entertainment, but I was argued with about that for three years. (Might you have been one of the many people arguing with me about that? I’ve told you to stop feeling guilty about it. Do I have to tell you again?)

Is the Nightmare over yet? Only if we allow ourselves to withdraw from it. Other forms of communication are not only possible, they’ve been with us much longer. Paper letters, email, phone calls. Social networks are secondary. Maybe a lot of great things happened due to them, but when one starts relying on them solely? You’re lost.

I’ve always looked at podcasting the same as broadcasting except with a Tivo function: you can rewind and replay it whenever you like. Once upon a time it was only magnetic strips in cassette cartridges we recorded that allowed that. It’s not that way anymore.

So what is there to choose? Really communicating on a one-to-one basis, or scrolling through a newsfeed and like-clicking your life away?

I know which way I’m choosing. 🙂

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Interlude Chat For Episode 15

Personal updates, understanding of what new technology has done to many of us in such a short time (which is very much like “Invasion of The Body Snatchers”). Discussion of how the convenience tricked us into believing we were more connected when we’ve actually become even more disconnected.

How new friendships along with new fans are picking up the pieces and how it’s come about.(Further help is very appreciated!)

News about previous and upcoming elements to “The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows”, as well as “Margaret Josette Dupres”: character studies and analysis and why that’s important.

Hopes for getting out another interview/workshop with the wonderfully helpful and well grounded author: Osheen Nevoy. Characters and events coming up for Episodes 15 & 16.(And some irritability at the technical problems we’re facing.)

Suggestions of where to go if one’s personal preference is to live in a “bummer world” rather than engaging in change for the better.

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For said “bummer world” here are a few links to the downer tomes of old:

Ethan Frome by Edith Wharton

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

Tess of d’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy

Please use the links to any of those book titles if you’re interested. Have fun… or… have some major not fun!

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interlude chat episode 15 cover

Meanwhile, here are the links to the podcast about how we’re doing and all of us possibly having some actual fun again. Bein’ human. Maybe it’s a lot nicer than you thought.

Interlude Chat for Episode 15 (podomatic)

Interlude Chat for Episode 15 (podbay)

Interlude Chat for Episode 15 (archive.org)

and iTunes, of course, but you smarties with iTunes know how to get that one. 😉

Episode 15: Intro With Automne Archer

Intro to 15

 

Lurch’s harpsichord entreats our venture toward a new avenue of this radio drama. The troubles collide and the gratitude extends in name and detail. So much celebration to be had between our faithful listeners who speak, and then? Our Addams Family prodigy reveals why she adores The Ghost & Mrs. Muir, as well as the golden age of cinema.

Discussion in the appreciation of canon, romance, fandom interests, emotional fortitude, our deeper meaning, exploration, friendship, Facebook disconnect, character study, and who we are.

Four alternatives to Facebook and its “Instant God”. Why correspondence is important and the donation account details:

https://www.patreon.com/darylwor

Explanations about knee-jerk reactions from people who can’t see past fanfiction in “text” and never understand this project equates to major effort and money for bills to the post office, podomatic, archive donations, DVD extras, research books, moral support, and the drive for a higher purpose of being.

(By the way, Lurch’s harpsichord is actually from a piece that Emilie Autumn performed to celebrate “Always Look On The Bright Side of Life” from Monty Python’s “The Life of Brian” film. Also the ending clip song is by Nada Surf’s “I Remembered What I Was Going To Say”, which metaphorically works better than I could imagine since I believe many are wanting to tell me what they like but forgot how. So that’s my nod to where I’m lifting goodies. i.e. if you like them go and BUY THEM! ^_^ )

I realize some of you who aren’t downloading my show from iTunes need different links so you can choose what is easier. Here they are for this podcast. (Some people call it a broadcast which I love because I am essentially doing a radio show. Good, good!)

Ep. 15 Intro archive dot org link

Ep. 15 Intro podbay link

Ep 15. Intro podomatic link

Any other help you need? Please send me a message: xoiscythe@hotmail.com Thanks and take care!

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For listeners who prefer iTunes please go here.

Picking Up The Pieces…

(((Deep Breath)))

Well, with the final needed commentary of up to five chunky responses per episode (not that I don’t encourage shorter ones else where) and the release of Episode 14: Reunion At The Old House, I’m beginning to finally soothe my wounds. Strangers met in various spots and a trickle of old friendships renewed are showing me the world of thoughtfulness and caring has not entirely come to an end.

I never could believe being an online entertainer would bring so much grief, but it sure has. I see people who are capable in the daily complexities of human life get online and become vegetation when it concerns anything positive. The general hail attitude of “social” networks is really the most depressing thing I’ve witnessed. The facade of showing off enjoyable vacations to people who aren’t allowed to go on one is incredibly detrimental. Moreover it’s gross to see the fading of positive discussion revert to “clicks” and “shares”. What does this leave us? The negative discussion. People won’t stop complaining about the tiniest aspects. And when they complain about entertainment as if it’s out there wielding a sword toward their soul, something that is imbibed by choice, I must wonder if they are aware they have any choice about it.

Still, I came home from my Halloween celebration and realized it was time. My sweetheart didn’t take up too much of the bandwidth in the house and Episode 14 was all ready and waiting to lend itself to ears unknown. Rather quick reaching iTunes too. I had it transferred in almost no time. I was gratefully listening in and fell asleep with it playing. My love affair with Willie Loomis may continue after all. ❤

Of course, the wisdom Wadsworth brings still touches me after all of this time. It’s as if I am Willie Loomis and Wadsworth has made tea for me and explains, “You know you’ve hardly been treated very well and you likely got the idea that such behaviour was both normal and natural.” Wadsworth is right. I even gloried in so many like-clicks once upon a time. That glory was short-lived but I made an acceptance briefly that clicks were just peachy. They never were and they never will be. It’s a way of whittling down the positive to an emptiness so shallow we couldn’t even see what it did to us.

And here I am having become a monster myself. Having a temper about technical aspects, like files not loading right, or a character voice not coming out as well as I would like (Alan Alda’s “Hawkeye” is a major pain!) is one thing. But to be told repeatedly on the aspect of silence and clicks that “this is just the way things are” is anathema to a grieving soul. I feel as if I was shouting the soonest and the loudest and now? Several people have approached me about “social” networks and saying,

“God! This is so stupid!”

“This is empty. I’ve never met any of these people and we never talk to each other.” 

“I can’t believe I spent five hours last night clicking a bunch of worthless crap.”

“I don’t touch that thing. If my brother can’t be bothered to call his own sister or our mother on the telephone then I don’t see much love there at all.”

“Yeah, Facebook. It’s a bunch of s****y people saying a bunch of s*****y things.”

“Why the heck am I staring at still shots of Gomez Addams when I could be watching the man?”

“I can’t take it anymore! I have to get off this thing and SEE SOMEONE!”

“I miss doing all the things that I love like reading, writing, visiting people or viewing my favorite shows and movies.”

“When did I decide that being completely alone in my apartment all of the time without really contacting anyone was how life was meant to be lived?”

“What is the point of a social network when all anyone does is click with nothing added?”

“I feel like my brain died for two years.”

Okay, it’s not just me. However I will venture to say I feel the suffering more than most. When you’re looking for insight and laughs from an entertainment product you never could have dreamed you could create while everyone has gone into a hypnotic realm of only speaking up when there is something negative and only clicking or lurking when there is something they enjoy? Well… you have what I have become: A monster, and the kind of monster Barnabas Collins was ashamed to be. His love for his friends and family is so deeply felt he had little choice but to wallow in some sense of evil, then back-pedal when he acclimated to a new set of loved ones. The depth of his character is beyond remarkable.

Dark Shadows fandom is likely the hardest thing to make a relief series for in this time of technological confusion and disconnect with people. If The Addams Family fans encouragement, and The Ghost & Mrs. Muir’s gentler aspect didn’t exist I’m not sure where on earth I could have ended up. Worse than this? Another victim of suicide? Thankfully, enough people spoke up just when I needed them most and spoke up with fury at the negativity they witnessed, both in their lives and about characters they loved. And they all finally said the same thing, “You don’t deserve this, Daryl. You’re a human being with feelings. Not an entertainment machine.” Bless you, yes. And may I add, “Aren’t we all?”

Perhaps this is another reason why the extremists of Dr. Hoffman pushing the issue with her unrequited love for Barnabas Collins became so severe. Unrequited love feels neglect very strongly. What time in our history would it have been stronger than right now? Many of these people are angry at not getting the attention they need, not feeling heard, even some Angelique extremists are in that same boat. Now would be the time to go ape-s**t on strangers from a sense of losing loved ones to their becoming robots everywhere they look. Why not go crazy on a fictional character and those who adore him for himself?

Plus these people have the most to lose because they managed to sway public opinion about who he loves or should love due to the pile up of story after story previously written. Who would have thought so many fans would ever be able to watch Dark Shadows in its entirety again? But now it’s happening. People see 1795 and mourn Barnabas’ losses. Fans re-watch and re-discover who had what feelings for whom. And they ask, “What was I reading all of that time? I’m not seeing and hearing the same people on this screen.” It must be heart-breaking and confusing as Hell.

(The speculation and insinuation about the actors is even more grotesque. I never, ever wished to bother them. They have their own lives just as we all do. And I can’t contemplate the merest desire of stalking the memory of dead people to sway anyone’s opinion beyond taking what they expressed at face value. Tabloid newspapers and magazine columnists have much to answer for in fixating our minds to this excess merely to make money.)

I recall Walter Koenig expressing that Star Trek was the science-fiction of his life because it had so little bearing on who he was as a person. This is one of the reasons I am so expressive with my own life to make sure no one is getting the wrong idea about me. Short attention spans don’t help this much, but that’s likely the reason Providence put this blog-writing into my perspective. It can be read repeatedly until some blasted humanity finally sinks in with someone and for keeps.

I have been given a plethora of gifts and extraordinary talent in a time when it’s not wanted enough to be appreciated well by those who enjoy it. The focus is to only discuss the negative right now, minus a precious few people out there. When that is the focus and that is the constant exposure the result creates a very impolite demon out of someone. Rather than encourage those who have something better to offer, the general online public prefers to insult and badmouth in great detail anything they even remotely dislike online. It hasn’t just made me “insane”, the constant attitude has made many others just as foul themselves. (My mind is still reeling at so many hateful reviews about “The Time Machine” movie that came out in 2002! Sheesh! Did that hurt anyone other than the poor women playing The Morlocks???)

So here we are in The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows. I never knew that title would be so damned fitting! It sure speaks volumes during this dreadful age of online negativity. I’ve had pen pals, on paper, express to me, “Is everyone just socially inept or psychotic?! Dear Heavens! I see name-calling and spiteful words on book reviews or at the people who loved the books!”

But this begs the question: Where are the people who aren’t psychotic nor socially inept?

They exist outside the online world. Some of them only show these tendencies when they “plug-in”. Phone calls and voice chats show me people who are very different from what they type. Extremely different in fact. This was the purpose in making the darn postcards, really. (I still don’t understand why so many people online tried to dissuade me from doing that.) Hence the need for places like… the library… the churches… community centers… Not all of them are the perfect fit for anyone but choice and differences are still available. Some of these people rarely “plug-in”. Actually, some are planning to go from smart-phone to flip-phone so they feel they won’t be getting constant notifications about what people are posting anymore. Quality time for themselves.

In this frightful journey of excessive peaks and valleys I discovered I am sure a whole lot smarter and wiser than I was ever given credit for. I also discovered chat rooms still exist, THANK GOD! A stream of typed discussion, even in abbreviations is un-clickable. Really gets me out of that awful habit sometimes. Some chatters apologize for their typos and I tell them, “No. It’s okay. I can speak typo! I understand what you’re saying. It’s clicks and silent numbers and memes and cartoon stickers I don’t understand. I can’t really speak meme or link. I just can’t comprehend those languages most of the time.”

I also discovered other avenues of social activity are still alive and kicking. Coronet Instructional Films may be cheesy, but “What To Do On A Date” makes a good point to this day, even in simple friendships. Claims one only uses Facebook for pictures can easily be compartmentalized in places like pinterest, instagram, or snapchat. And quieter social networks without pinging notifications are used by many, they’re just quieter is all. They don’t make noises like they are constantly ringing your doorbell.

However, Colonel Mustard in the film Clue does have this to say,

“Now there is still one thing I don’t understand.”

I suppose I’ll have to respond as Professor Plum does:

One thing?

The Journey Continues… for the characters and myself…

Looking at how long I’ve struggled with this project, from 2010-now, but mainly 2012 to 2015, I’ve had to recognize things I had no knowledge of, however much I hunted and gathered all the information and needed help. When I found that traffic graph in 2013, figuring out what it meant I looked over months of silent readers and was completely stunned. That’s when the grief cycle began. I use the old model for the five stages even though many of us are aware that those stages are not absolute. Some patterns are added or two will be weaved in. So, all of that hard work and laughter and I’m hearing nothing for ages from a silent audience?

“Denial is the first of the five stages of grief. It helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief.”

I’ve held on to this denial for some time now. It doesn’t make sense to me nor any of my newest supporters that so damned many people could enjoy my work and not want to express that with more than being a number, a like-clicker, or just a lurker. People share they’re work, in most cases, for communication on it, unless they’re out to make money. Fanwork usually makes no profit whatsoever. It can’t. The only gain is the knowledge of what was enjoyed.

People who enjoy anything in the arts and entertainment like to discuss what they enjoy with someone else. Pen pals express their hobbies and favourites in streams, as well as who they are. Why? Because they’re looking for those of like-mind they will get along with and enjoy the discourse of letter-writing with. (Some people are happy with the idea of “friendship” and that solely, which is why social networks provide the lazy-style of comfort they need for approval. They can simply assume who cares and who that person is. The rest of us don’t work that way.)

With this my stage of denial still lingers even now. How could you not want to discuss what I’m creating with me? As my newest friend has stated, “It’s natural to want to talk to someone or express what was enjoyed. What is wrong with these people?”


“Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died, but also to God. You may ask, “Where is God in this? Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything… The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing.We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.”

I think my rants and aggravation has been seen many times by my readers and listeners. What choice was I left to? No one was helping. No one was showing they cared minus Helena but she stepped in 19 months after that silence happened and we maintain our friendship to this day. She went looking for stories to enjoy and expressed herself naturally. Why bother with something for that long if it doesn’t mean anything to you?

I went to investigate why this happened to me and I found a ton of dirty laundry out there from Dark Shadows fans. It ain’t hidden either. Type in a search engine for pairings of Barnabas/Julia or Barnabas/Angelique and you’ll find plenty of stories that aren’t often true to the characters with many people upset at Barnabas for not being in love with either of these women, or having done them wrong. For Barnabas and Maggie or Josette fans looking and then finding that kind of thing? They’ll have doubt cast on themselves and they’ll also feel badgered and hurt. They won’t want to reach out. They won’t even want to look anymore. In fact, they have to hear this crap from people who approach them. Was finding that out going to piss me off? It sure was! I didn’t pick who Barnabas loved. I looked for a relief series and couldn’t find one. Did I care about who loved who? Only in as much that they weren’t reaching each other on the program. My first hurt was Tony & Carolyn.

carolyn and tony

As far as I am concerned now? They’re fine.

What the hell do I care to throw insults at a miserable vampire for not loving some broad? What mattered to me is he loved Josette, and she him, and I saw Maggie constantly struggling with feeling lost about herself, among other signs. I care about the characters and requited-loves finding harmony in reaching each other. I’m the same with real people.

sam painting gregg

Again, I started all this because of Sam Evans, that was the final straw, but in for a penny in for a pound.

So yes, I’ve been very angry. I’ve been angry at the silence and I’ve been angry at what caused that silence and I’ve been angry at the people perpetuating that behaviour to continue. It took years to find out that fans of this pairing for Barnabas were being kept away from each other in almost the same way as the couple itself. They don’t want to “take-over” or whatever the idea is with so many of the other fans. They want their own small corner of the world to enjoy each others company and heal their hurts together. And that’s been treated like a crime or some world-domination idea. Barnabas and Josette were planning to run away to Boston together. As far as I’m concerned I’d be happy to meet all the fans of this pairing right there! Perhaps a nice little coffee shop out of the way somewhere. (Not a massive crowd of supposed Dark Shadows fans. In the majority for them? I have not been impressed.)


“Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. “Please God, ” you bargain, “I will never be angry at my wife again if you’ll just let her live.” After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others. Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?” We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “if onlys” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.”

Bargaining, if I haven’t gone through this one back and forth? I have no idea what else happened. I have bargained like crazy. I went from rants to apologies to “What will work best for these people?” I care about them and I care about myself. Maybe they only have phones. Well, suggest a smile-face or something. Hmm, well maybe they’re disabled, try other avenues. Maybe I could reach out to fans in the other fandoms. That actually worked quite well! Try other fan work sites. Hmm… okay, well, let’s make the show in audio and make it the best I can, that’ll get people talking. Not really… Care package plan? Better. Let’s try tumblr… whoops! Wow, there’s a WHOLE lotta arse-holes there…

darkness loves us

until I found The Addams Family crowd, weeeeeee!

Well, the people listening like-click as if there is no tomorrow. Maybe I can just find book club types, or college radio geeks, or just radio geeks and they can do the talking? Oh boy… even hundreds and hundreds MORE numbers. But discussion? No dice! (Actually, over the years I’ve had a few people step up to the plate mainly to say, “I didn’t really listen to it, but this and this and this was wrong and here’s some more advice even though I didn’t pay attention.” Ummmmm…. okay…. 😛 )

I believe the list of bargaining for me is too long to relate here.


These last two stages rather melded together. What happened is about three people came forth recently and said strait up how good the work was, how much they were enjoying it, one even said she felt guilty she wasn’t paying and could I please open a donations account. (There is a plan in the works for that.) Another got all thirteen episodes reviewed and commented on in less than a month! For Episode 10 “The Kids Are All Right” he added,

Your adopted people are growing well and their numbers are as well. So is channeling like having multiple personalities? Just asking if we all need to warn your husband… You have done a remarkable job in this and your hard work is liked. People as you have said seem to not want to either do more then “like” or just be a number. I think social networks and such have done a great injustice to all. Before we would say we enjoyed or thank you. Now press like or share! This, I think, is the greatest wall with your followers. We have yet again been further removed from reaching out to others. Well I, for one, stand with you.

May they see that “like” does not say enough. It is robotic. A non committal response.


Another new friend has been completely livid at the treatment I’ve received since we found each other. How could someone with this much skill in writing, talent in acting, and versatility in creating the audio and being so giving with so much get treated like dirt?

That was when those last two stages arrived for me:

After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on alone? Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually depressing. The loss of a loved one is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after a loved one dies would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that your loved one didn’t get better this time and is not coming back is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.

It’s true. It happened. I have been treated very badly as well as harassed and insulted by those I was never looking for.

Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where our loved one is missing. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before a loved one died. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must re-adjust. We must learn to reorganize roles, re-assign them to others or take them on ourselves. Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying our loved one. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can make new connections, new meaningful relationships, new inter-dependencies. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.

For I? It is the loss of potential, what could have gone faster, been better. Not an actual person, but an entity of creation and the creativity to go along with it. Being misled, as well as misunderstood in a wild array of patterns I’d already seen before in my family life, institutions, and so-called friendships that came before.

I’ve been told things I knew were either untrue or wrong and told persistently as a way of others covering up their own guilt or personal-shortcomings. So what? You spent just as much time defending ill-actions by one’s self and others when that time could have been better spent in simply looking over the work and getting to the task of discussion. It took one man 20 days to get through all thirteen episodes and answer the discussion questions. It’s not like he wasn’t “busy” too. But others are still saying, “I’ll get to it.” after over a year. Do you feel guilty about that? Stop. Solving a problem takes less time and gives you more in return. We all know this. Condescending me about it just makes the wound even bigger, for you and for me. And then when the people who make that effort come forward? Who do you feel better for? Me or you?


In The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows problems are solved with the help of outside communities. What happens when that takes place?

Further opportunity to achieve, solve more, enjoy your time being alive & well, or at least content. The people of Collinsport are better off because others pointed things out they could use to improve their circumstances, or simply stepped in to keep harm from being done to the point the Collins clan began doing it too.

As I move through the original series once more to find what problems are coming up? Well, Adam is no longer in my series. His troubles were sorted with long ago. Victoria and Peter have less to worry about being with Gomez, Morticia and the rest in their home. The tides turned and there is still loads to solve, but the same people are finding their strengths and moving forward, even Willie Loomis who is wrestling with giving himself more credit as others are showing him how.

Willie pensive Wadsworth looking down

So even with my stages of grief, which will never eliminate what has happened to me, I still look for solutions to continue. I know I’ve been treated quite horribly, even by family and friends from before, some of who swore they would try to help, and a few very slowly do. There is no form of gas-lighting or dissuading me that this isn’t true. I’ve been through all the tricks and I know better. On top of that I look for people who hurt to try and help them in whatever way I can. If others would like to mock that aspect of me we shall wonder at them and what purpose in life they could have.

All I wanted was 25 people and 5 perspectives per episode, that was all. I’ve looked everywhere, because of the people who can’t talk, to find those 5 and so far I’ve only found about 3 for the whole after all of this time and struggle looking. And the downloads continue daily, have been since Episode 13 was released last Christmas. I can’t do much more than wait and keep going now. Promotion and advertising has seldom done much for this. The talkers usually approach me first.

As for myself, I like the small band of chatty types I’ve found. The people who love Barnabas flaws and all, who love his happiness in “Margaret Josette Dupres” after watching his hurt, the people who saw Maggie as the reincarnation of Josette but couldn’t put it into words. We have a lot of healing to do together, and lot of things we need to talk about, both in horror and in love. So it’s starting and I pray that continues. Maybe that old quote I found at a bus stop will finally ring true again someday.

a small group

By the way, I snapped this picture with an old camera in Seattle. I’ve seen my view stats and Sea-Tac is hitting me big time looking for more. So, guys? I’ve been up there. I know for absolute certain you have the chat in you. You live in gloomy weather with shining smiles for it. Stop lurking, Washington. Start talkin’. 😉

Episode 15: Tech and Scenes

I have the latest creation of Episode 15 in progress. I remember one reviewer, who’s been M.I.A. lately, requested that he was looking forward to more original Dark Shadows music. This let me know what he was hoping and looking forward to so I went all out and started to purchase some more goodies. I’m with him that it enhances the mood. In this discussion, however hilarious with Nicholas Blair and Vampire Angelique, present certain additives that are beneficial. I’m finding this one gem called “Wailing Theremin (Angelique)”. I think it really could set the tone for her discussions on death and what that was like. Things of this nature bring back my intrigue for production and quality. (Definitely beats some of the rudeness I’ve been gleaning off to the side via areas I’ve been asking for help, and then getting quick-to-judge types throwing harsh words out for no particular reason. People? The world is filled with a wild richness of entertainment. Go find something you like and quit bothering me. Thanks.)

On the other hand some of the review-swaps and workshops are bringing in a trickle of hope. I’ve had some messages letting me know, “I love your rants! It shows you’re human. If people can’t understand your obvious need for feedback with such hard work? Just rant some more!” LOL! Well, I don’t know about that. I’d rather get more constructive stuff done, but, oh, my gosh! That is certainly encouragement right there! I’m also wondering if something is up in new applications but a couple people have been pointing out the otr effect: “Old Time Radio”. I’d say my project has that. I’ve looked into the other productions where they bring back the same actors to either perform new roles or old ones. I remember one had a ghost of Caleb Collins and I thought, “Ohhh, if only I could afford that.” Then I pulled back and realized if I was basing everything on The Coffin Box DVD set (along with the other shows and movies) to the best of my ability, no. Don’t get the new radio dramas other than for listening to voice structure. And the music is similar but it’s too slick for me. I prefer more of an old-time sound and with the Dark Shadows original music I feel it’s more appropriate. I would love more music from other shows if I can find them. I am absolutely thrilled with the effect the Clue soundtrack has on Willie and Wadsworth scene in “A Balancing of The Humours”. It was the perfect touch! 🙂

Meh… arg… well the wailing theremin did sound good in the mix… but I can hardly tell with… the leaf blower outside… ugh… :/

Now this is good. Someone told me recently I got Angelique’s voice as perfect as I could. That was from an earlier episode, but as for this one… Gosh, that breathy maneuver of hers is pretty fun. Oh, I can’t wait to do more voice-acting. I really miss it. Also this episode with the newer attempts at Lily are also good. I remember a super long cold where I double checked as much of her screen-time as I could. For The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows I look back and felt maybe she was too cheerful. At the same time… Herman, and even Grandpa, could seriously irk her at home. I think she was so thrilled to go on a trip she brightened even more. But now I’ll try and get my adoptee into more of her motherly aspect. I think she feels very at home in Collinwood but with that sense of wonder why everyone is so uptight about things of the spooky nature. It’s the more modern and mundane foibles that get on her nerves.

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I know how you feel, my dear. Modern foibles certainly have made my life more difficult these days.

Uh-oh… Well it does make me less bored but I’m hitting the sauce again. And that means… *sigh* my mind has slowed to the point that a lot of this audio dialogue sounds faster. So I think what I’ll focus on is eliminating flubs rather than worrying about silence timing. (Yes, when I become intoxicated I am well aware of the changes it makes in my focusing skills. I use this as a tool in many regards, not simply as a way of loosening up.) I think it’s time to get the coffee on the perk here…

Ep 21 CAROLYN Think itll perk faster if you stare at it

(DS ep. 21) CAROLYN: Think it’ll perk faster if you stare at it?

Nah… I just like to listen to the burbling in the background, but this is likely how I feel when I’m staring at an audio file. Maybe the episode will just be created faster if I stare at it… or when I look at my stat numbers for downloads and reads… maybe if I just stare at them I’ll get the discussion faster. Meh… hasn’t worked in over three years…

Okay, ladies: Morticia, Victoria, Grandmama? I am not going over this scene again. I altered the volume in voices to the best of my ability, saved the file as-is and am done with it. However it comes out, it comes out. Now onto the next scene…

A discussion between Maggie and Barnabas in Josette’s room. This needs attention. There are a lot of words that are two low in volume and, even in my current state, I can tell many of these silences are far too long. The occurrence itself is unique. I was telling a friend about this. Maggie as Josette and in her old room behaves more like Josette than elsewhere. She’s more contemplative, serene, which represents her ghostly persona as well as her original one. I’d written the text and done the demo in 2013 and didn’t quite notice that difference. This was the journey I was looking forward to with her, not having realized how far we’d moved into it. That quietude of reflection in understanding herself as well as her own place among those living, dead, and undead.

Josettes Ghostat her grave

There he is mourning her loss, over and over…

happy bride

And here she awakes to say, “Barnabas? It’s me.”

I felt it was both a moving and uplifting culmination of what was obvious. Didn’t think there was going to be so much hullabaloo over the damn thing. Then again, I didn’t expect it to heal my love-life either, so there ya go. Guess it’s a stronger romance than I anticipated! ❤


Ahhh… the Willie and Sarah scene. All the way back in November of 2013 during my first intro, “If anyone has some rustling in the leaves sound effects? I need some.” Nope. That bequest was never answered… Oh… thank the Lord. Found a bit… took a while, though, longer than my writing this. (I tend to go back in forth between the work and the blog typing, btw.)

Willie meets sarah again

Helena? I think I’d like to go over the text version of this with you. I remember you agreed the old draft was awkward, and it’s not like I’m going to make any major changes now that it’s altered and the audio performances are done, I dunno, I just feel like it. (You know me, I like to chat and workshop. 🙂 )

Now… the music I planned for this. I’m worried it might be too sweet and not quite fitting enough for that spooky element. Although, Heaven knows the tune I’ve picked tends to give a lot of people the creeps via where it comes from. The problem is it’s a music box version. Currently I’m playing with all the oddities in sound change and variance. Mmm, little discoveries of, “Oh, hey! That sounds better” and others of, “Wow! REALLY bad idea! Undo...” *chuckling* I believe bringing this in as quietly as humanly possible for the human ear to notice will be best.

All right. Banging your head against the brick wall enough here, Daryl. Don’t add the music or sound effects. I remember Willie Loomis had a ton of performed, then re-performed, lines and inflections I wasn’t sure about. I was shooting for easier-going Willie and was able to find some audio clips that sounded good to feel the swing of it. But there are variations and I have to pick the right ones. I think I have to do that with the Willie and Wadsworth scene a few cuts down the road here. And that one was less laid back and more with Willie revealing an internal struggle of understanding how he was treated by Professor Stokes during his calligraphy sessions. Of course, he was treated well, not something in Willie’s usual experience. More about that to come.

I think that wraps up my blog entry on where I am now. Happy to get more enthusiasm and discussion on the episodes. Just experiencing this journey on the path to recovery. Much praise, but again I’d like to hear more of that for the characters and less for myself. This is for them, not just me, and this is for sharing how that experience proceeds with each other. I keep hoping more listeners will understand that.

Peace.

Bloody Amplification… (More on Episode 15 & 16)

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Babe. That’s mostly what we can say here but…

Morticia Addams’ lines for Episode 15 were created in 2013. I made a better go for Victoria in this scene but because of a newer microphone (same make and company) her words seem louder on the test listen, so I have to amplify for Morticia. Then go through all the bother to save the file where I can play it on my mp3 player with a different set of headphones and now? Morticia is too loud.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGG!

Can you see in all of this why Facebook like-clicks and graciously sent memes get on my nerves? 🙂

So, how to combat the issue? Well last night was rather lovely but I’m in the here and now, so those thoughts only help a bit to distract me. Then I have fun make-out daydreams about Willie Loomis. That’s a comfort. ^_^

What to do?

Ah, in between audio edits, I can look over what I have for Episode 16! Why am I so looking forward to this? As some thorough readers remember, my Muse is a harsh mistress. I can barely be entertained by any thing not in my own work, meaning all the different fandoms. I’d like to get back to watching Dark Shadows and The Addams Family for more accuracy and enjoyment, the only film I’ve been able to watch in over a year is Clue, but for Episodes 16 & 17 I get to watch ANOTHER movie. Oh!!! The feeling of an ounce of freedom to stretch out!

beetlejuice film poster

Yes, yes, I know. Too much, eh?

I once decided against bringing in The Ghost With The Most; it’s not 1960s. But then again, how long has this guy been hanging around? Our folks bureaucratically running the afterlife seem to know him very well. Also, the fanwork for him is quite good from what I’ve seen. Are the stripes of his outfit a metaphor to once being part of a chain-gang back in the day, but were made vertical when he passed-on? This could range him between the late 1800’s to the mid 1950’s, and picking up newer slang along the way. As for an earlier version of BJ, it looks manageable. I just pray that possible sequel coming out won’t injure what I put together.

As for why? Most of us know Angelique Bouchard gets around. No matter what, she keeps coming back. It is possible BJ encountered her and this did not turn out to his liking. There is no revenge in his purview for her as a witch… but right now? She’s not a witch. She’s a vampire… more corporeal, you see? And being more corporeal, our striped teamster could very well have his revenge on her:

Angelique vs Beetlejuice

As I posted to facebook a while back, “Well, do you wanna effin’ see it or not?”


I’m wagering not since I haven’t even got enough discussion on episode 7 yet, much less all the ones after that. Oh, well. Guess it’ll be me and my grassroots kin for many months/years to come. Vocal support to enjoyment of the scenes can change that at any moment, but I urge my readers not to wait for someone else to do it. If you want to be on the journey more than my updates you’ll have to participate. And there is little fear in doing so. Some reviewers want to plunk down their identities, but no one has to, you know. 😉

As it happens, I’ve found another person reviewing the marriage novel and with wonderful insight. I am adoring that communication to it. It was what I always wanted. When my pattern of creation altered from goofing-off to channeling all the characters, the project changed completely. My adoptees flocked into my psyche and started showing me things. I was giving and they wanted to give back. As with the marriage novel, Barnabas Collins and Margaret Josette Dupres opened a whole new world of possibilities. Things I’d craved but couldn’t isolate in my own life. When I look at reviews I’m only seeing any splendour I own as a conduit. I become an instrument of empathy and they lead the way. I’ve become a spectator, but a very lonely one with the audience around me saying nothing. I’m in that theatre seat with everyone but they rarely chuckle or express themselves. It’s a vacant room of onlookers staring into space. I feel alone among hundreds of people and my adoptees see that as well. So further reviews on “Margaret Josette Dupres” with that reflection to the depth of love and sharing the passion is deeply important to me. I never knew it was possible for erotica to contain so much love, but this one does. And vampire erotica to bring more uniqueness in the discovery!

As for looking over Episode 16: getting the magic of new creation back. Oh, wow! I’m looking at what I’ve got. There are some wonderful scenes here. Maggie meets Caleb who knows all of her incarnations, Lily and Elizabeth are packing for England together and enjoying each others company, Professor Stokes and Dr. Hoffman coming to terms with how she’s feeling and how he’s feeling about her. ❤

And our Ghost With The Most. I approached him about this. And what did he tell me with open arms?

Beetlejuice

“I’m all yours, babe! Happy to be of service.”

Have you noticed I haven’t said his name once in this blogpost? It’s true. I’m a believer.

So that’s where I’m at right now, what with these blasted voices amplified either too loud or too soft.

But again, I’m dying to finish Episode 15 and move forward to where I left off in 2013 with the 16th Episode. Why? Because now The Pit of Ultimate Dark Shadows has to be earned, not bestowed. I’ve gone through too much Hell, obviously, and five chunky responses per episode is hardly much to ask for. As I said in my “How Soon Is Now?” podcast, this is not only free-entertainment, but it’s costing me and it’s costing me a bundle. Either way I can do it for me by the time I reach Episode 16. Uploading more will be up to audience participation.

With further episodes only kept to myself and grassroots helpers? It reminds me of the scene in “Anne of Avonlea” when Anne shows Marilla her new book and says,

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“It’s mine. It’s all mine.”

For Barnabas Collins and Margaret Josette Dupres? I’m still working on further chapters too, but I’d like to leave this video for my dear couple. I only listened and tried to help, and in return the two of you gave us the love life we wanted so desperately but couldn’t find, until I asked that question at the end of 2013. Thank you. ❤